My Sister's Famous!

Congratulations to my beautiful, amazing, talented Pinay Sister, Reinaflor Monteclara Layug (or just Reina). She just signed a contract with Warner Bros. Music and MTV Philippines. Right now she's taking some down time in London though. Gosh... sis I miss you so much!!! This is the co-originator of #e* Hair.... Allene! Hey AH-TAY remember hot java, and crying on the porch, and truth or dare.... just come back please!

i just deleted my whole post by accident.
it's great.
A bite sized summation lets you know that the word of the day is "self-delusion" and there were three scriptures to go with it. I don't want to type that again.

i do what i know i shouldnt and i dont do what i know i should...
oh yes, the homework song... anthony play on, nicole sing your part. please.

i have a final project that i should be working on NOW at 2am but I'm not. I will fail if i don't do it and it's due TODAY. im so good at this. AAAHHH i hate it. i don't understand this stuff and that never happens. i hate feeling so
OUT OF CONTROL.

How do I so easily let other things consume and control me? i need to possess my vessel.
I was so close... and then something happened. and it scares me that i was that near.

It's like you're a drug
It's like you're a demon I can't face down
It's like I'm stuck
It's like I'm running from you all the time
And I know I let you have all the power
It's like the only company I seek is misery all around
It's like you're a leech
Sucking the life from me

It's like I can't breathe
Without you inside of me
And I know I let you have all the power
And I realize I'm never gonna quit you over time
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm lost
It's like I'm giving up slowly
It's like you're a ghost that's haunting me
Leave me alone
And I know these voices in my head
Are mine alone
And I know I'll never change my ways
If I don't give you up now

I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
I'm hooked on you
I need a fix
I can't take it
Just one more hit
I promise I can deal with it
I'll handle it, quit it
Just one more time
Then that's it
Just a little bit more to get me through this
It's like I can't breathe
It's like I can't see anything
Nothing but you
I'm addicted to you
It's like I can't think
Without you interrupting me
In my thoughts
In my dreams
You've taken over me
It's like I'm not me

It's like I'm not me

break through.

Today we broke through at The City Church. Until 2:30pm we worshiped God and ENCOUNTERED His uncomparable presence. I love simply being near Him. Yesterday Nicole and I went to the beach at 10pm and sat on lifeguard tower #3 to watch the waves in the dark and worship and pray and God just blessed us even more with His presence this morning. Isn't it stinking insane that we can go to powerful prayer at 7pm... then again from 10pm to 12am experience Him... and then sleep and wake up to His presence once again!? In Psalm 139 it talks about how we can't flee from His presence. it's so exciting! and the word of the day today is "whelmed." One of my favorite sites, Merriam Webster Online http://www.m-w.com/ says that this word means: Main Entry: whelm Pronunciation: 'hwelm, 'welm Function: verb Etymology: Middle English transitive senses 1 : to turn (as a dish or vessel) upside down usually to cover something : cover or engulf completely with usually disastrous effect 2 : to overcome in thought or feeling : OVERWHELMintransitive senses : to pass or go over something so as to bury or submerge it Yes, This is indeed the Word of the day. receive it as you wish... but for me it holds many meanings. the best is that I am whelmed by GOD. I am covered completely by Him and it has a disastrous effect on the "ME" that needs to be destroyed. He overcomes me in thoughts and feelings. I'm consumed by Him. On the other hand,I am whelmed by many other things.yes, many other things is all that i will disclose at this point in time. and to be honest, i cannot regurgitate all of the "whelming things" i've swallowed because I do not remember when and how they were ingested.all i know is i found myself today getting off of my face, right after REALLY being whelmed by God. And so I did what I always do... proceeded to clean up the outside part of the church... and perhaps the whelming began with everybody asking (as they do every week)"why are you doing this by yourself?" so, what am i supposed to say? all i know is i continued to roll up the delivery door and haul the "stuff" inside the church. I felt like we were making progress when I find out my car wouldn't start. sometimes the little things are just too much to handle. But, thank God for Sean Pearson and Joy Veale who teamed up to jump start my car (and it worked) So, then I went back to the cleaning process and we got it done by 3:15 because of the faithfulness of Scotty, Seany and Jakey. And I didn't know I was feeling anything at all... and i really didn't know i was feeling "overwhelmed"... that is until i got in the car. i drove down thornmint and by the time i reached camino san bernardo i was crying without evident cause. i felt like my heart had been unconsciously stuffed full of the cares of this world and now the additional cares were trickling over the wall of the dam. i know we've all been there... and I don't really think it's a bad place to be... it's then that you can just rest in HIS ARMS OF FOREVER.people are unfaithful by their corrupted nature... why do you think we have such a hard time trusting God and being faithful to Him? If people cannot be faithful to an ultimately faithful God, how can they EVER be faithful to ME? So... I think that this season of my life is a time of fully realizing the unfaithfulness of man. It hurts as dependencies are weeded and disconnected from my heart... but i think in the end it will be better. LOVE NEVER FAILS... and the love of God is the only perfect love, so I'm betting it all on Him. I don't want to give my heart away anymore. These things that fill it cannot be removed by the hands of man. .........................Being whelmed by the world can only be cured by the OVERWHELMING Love of God. and that is what i need. .............................................................................................................................................................In case you were wondering, Webster's REAL "word of the day" is:telegenic • \tel-uh-JEN-ik\ • adjective : well-suited to the medium of television; especially : having an appearance and manner that are markedly attractive to television viewers

yucky yucky yuck face

again. yuck face again. that is the most detail i will give.

yum face

Yum Face. What makes a yum face? I would have to say that we are back to the previous post entitled "ice cream." cookies and cream nicole eh?

whenever you are printing a project at the church with a lot of pages. like 89 purple H2H fliers do it from tray two... because then when sara welsh surprises you by printing GC Visitors letters in the middle... her letters will be WHITE because she printed from tray one! it's brilliant! that's some HEAVY REVY!

Jenny and I also have a firm belief that yum faces are produced by Martinelli's 8.4 oz. bottles of sparkling cider (now on sale in 12 packs at COSTCO) im a heavy drinker tho so mine are already GONE! uugghh. Gone face= yuck face

i'm back to yuck face.. but now it's not such a graphic, illicit scandalous yuck face... its actually a golly gosh jeepers.... ggeeeezz! that stinks YUCK FACE! Have I clarified thoroughly?

Oh, and memo to the cool, fashionable, the trendsetting hipsters who are up with the time:
the side ponytail and "ROMANTICAL" are back!

spread the word.

yuck face.

i hear intense matress springs above my head. i dont want to go upstairs. get me out of here.

ice cream.

so... life is weird. i cannot comprehend how mere flesh can feel so much and be capable of love and hatred. how the heck did God create these incredible beings who have relationships and function and build character and reproduce more "little Christs." It's so strange to think about change.... more specifically changing yourself.... and more correctly.... letting yourself be changed by God. How can I become different if I dont even understand how i got to be how i am now? you know, it doesnt really matter all that much... but it confuses me. i know there are things like daggers in me that are way past the skin and now they pierce the heart... and seeds pushed deep into fertile ground... and roots that are tight and strong and seemingly unmovable.. they consume my insides and the roots wrap so tight around my heart that i fear if i pull the weeds my heart and my entire being will be pulled out too. and who i am without... and who am i without... and is it really possible for my whole identity to be deemed by circumstance and relationship? and what if it just goes on? and what if it doesnt change? what if i wont let it? and what if im a lot more selfish than i ever even imagined that i could be? my will will never supercede the will of God. and if God is always bigger and I'm always smaller, why do I play God in my own life? i dont know... but it needs to stop. yesterday: comfort food (jerseymaid Cookies and Cream for only $3.00 to be exact) long intimate talk. prayer. the Word. some serious soul searching contemplation. nicole. =) mercy road and tears and 2am.... and needing so much Today: more comfort food (jersey maid Cookies and Cream once again... btw NICOLE ice cream is not water. not good breakfast food for us. i blame her. more talk. i am the official beneficiary of Anthony Thomas Bell's bank account $29 book purchase at berean.... some crazy titled reads Dessert at the OG (Olive Garden) with Mister Bell and a wonderful server... i should have caught her name, but she has black HOT hair, she's hawaiian, she's gonna be a second year intern I won the cherry stem tying. it was short too. i wanted to keep my knot. i almost got two short ones together with my tongue, but i settled for just one. The wonderful awesome amazing life-changing House of God, House of Prayer, City Church and here i am. and so what am i doing? what happens in my life from here? i need to hear from God but people seldom give out advice to people who don't listen... how much more intense is GOD? and if you knew what i wanted you would agree with Him. and who's with me now? and who's on my side now? and the LORD is the only one who will never leave me nor forsake me, and i LOVE it and i LOVE Him.... but it hurts to think that there's no one else. and have you ever do badly just wanted to give your EVERYTHING to someone and you DO and it hurts because they're not God.... and then have you ever wanted to give your EVERYTHING to someone again and you do and it hurts because they're not GOD...... and then have you ever wanted to give your EVERYTHING to someone again and you try and there's nothing left? and then have you ever wanted it all to be erased... so you come to God and tell him you're ready to go all in.... and there's nothing left. it's so gone. AND if your name is Nicole Corpuz... i say "HIS love is better than icecream . . ."

feeling like david.

The following scriptures are found between Psalm 55 and Psalm 70

'My heart is severely pained within me, And the terrors of death have fallen upon me. Fearfulness and death have come upon me, And horror has overwhelmed me. So I said, "Oh, that I had wings like a dove! I would fly away and be at rest. Indeed I would wander off, And remain in the wilderness. I would hasten my escape from the windy storm and tempest."

You number my wanderings; Put my tears in your bottle; Are they not in your book?

MY HEART IS STEADFAST O GOD, MY HEART IS STEADFAST.

The wicked are estranged from the WOMB; They go astray AS SOON AS THEY ARE BORN.

...My God of MERCY

... that your beloved may be delivered.. Save me with your right hand, and HEAR ME

When my heart is overwhelmed lead me to the Rock that is higher than I.

POUR OUT YOUR HEART BEFORE HIM.

We went through fire and through water; But you brought us out to rich fulfillment.

But certainly GOD has heard me; He has attended to the voice of my prayer. Blessed be GOD Who has not turned away my prayer, Nor His mercy from me!


A Father of the fatherless... God sets the
S O L I T A R Y
in Families

Blessed be the LORD, Who daily loads us with benefits,
The God of our salvation! Our GOD is the God of our
SALVATION
And to GOD the LORD belong escapes from DEATH

save me o god for the waters have come up to my neck. i sink in deep mire, where there is no standing; i have come into deep waters, where the floods overflow me. i am weary with my crying; my throat is dry;
my eyes faint while i wait for my GOD

...i have become a stranger to my brothers...

let not the floodwaters overflow me, Nor let the deep swallow me up; And let not the pit shut its mouth on me.
Hear me O Lord for your lovingkindness is good.
Turn to me according to the multitude of your
TENDER MERCIES.
and do not hide YOUR FACE from your servant.
For I am in trouble.
Hear me speedily.

Reproach has broken my heart,
And I am full of heaviness.

and you who seek God, your hearts shall live."

The end...
yes they will. their hearts shall LIVE.

god is good. 

so much more... 

jesus. 

feeling

So... I've never felt so much in my life before. I've always struggled with numbness. Now I'm feeling such a torrent of emotions that I feel like I'm about to get knocked down... or I'm already knocked down with sand in my mouth... and then another wave comes and it just keeps hitting me... and hitting me... so hard that I don't know how I'll ever get up. My body can't stop shaking and I can physically feel my heart constantly quivering. It's actually hard to breathe because my heart feels sore and over-used. I always thought it was so lame and cliche that people talked about their heart as the thing that allows them to "feel." I tried to think of it as a muscular organ that pumped blood.. I can't do that anymore, because for the first time in a long time I feel my heart... and it hurts. It feels like the wind is knocked out of it and it can't supply my body with the proper quota of blood. I've never loved so much and so openly and felt so unloved... and at the same time I've never felt so cold and uncompassionate and undeservingly loved at once. and it's hard for me to understand what reality is anymore and im wondering if my whole world is just made up. tonight i couldn't stop thinking, "how did I get here anyway?" Yes, exactly those words over and over again,
"How did I get here anyway?"
And the answer is GRACE and MERCY. But how? I don't understand. I feel like I was swept out of a nest of deceit and death and now I'm awake in another tree. I read Psalm 55 today and I felt like David.. oh that i could be a dove and fly away... i could be in the wilderness.. get away. run away. from everything. then i read psalm 139 and read... where can i go from your Spirit? how can I flee your presence? Oh that I could mount up on the wings of morning and FLY AWAY... but God is in heaven, in hell and on earth. I can't get away from this present reality and there's no use trying. I feel like a small child in a ball, crying without parents to pick me up. But God is my Father and I'm waiting for the time when He sweeps me out of the nest... it says later in Psalm 139 that "when I awake I am still with you" (or something close) and now I see... I've been sleeping a little and now I awake in a totally different place... and the atmosphere is way different, but He's still with me. So, "How did I get here anyway?" who else can say that they were swept up from the nest of death and brought into rich fulfillment? the fire hurts right now... in every melting and broken part of my being but it's okay. it's okay. i know it... now i just need to believe it.

word of the day

The word of the day is: trampled.
I've been thinking of this word for a couple days now. I've been seeing this word everywhere. It's not like it's written anywhere... but still i see. the world is full of little people with little problems, who use such big words to crush the littleness of another. and it hurts. im so disgusted with selfishness. im seeing it in everyone and the scary thing is that usually what bothers you about someone else's character is what you need to fix in your own. and i know sometimes i am selfish... and it's ridiculous how much self-justification come into play with this issue. i try so hard to pour and pour and pour out my guts for everyone around me and all of me is left trampled. im bleeding more profusely and crying more regularly. i feel like im reaching out a thousand hands in a thousand directions, then everyone of them is left empty. i try to run away from reality... but today it can't be ignored. in so many ways i'm dispensable. so, right now my face is pressed into the dirt and there are footprints on my back, and so badly i want to keep crying and stop trying. but i know i won't. i asked to be used. so now the only thing i can do is step into the fire so that the distortion from the rocks pressing into my face can be washed away by heat. and my heart can be refined so i don't trample anyone else.
and in all of this... the most intense thing is that this word was used by God Himself... in describing Himself... "trample the blood of Jesus underfoot" so, i feel dispensable because of all this trampling... and i haven't felt it AT ALL like He has... and we know that the blood of Jesus is not a DISPENSABLE thing. so neither am i? Jesus was trampled and he just took it... and we get stepped on a little and all of a sudden our selfishness and self-pity are justified... in his own eyes a way seems right to a man...

OLD poetry

Modern Day Moses

Hold us back, hold us back
pull me under, pull me under...
Falling down and out of grasp
like a child, I’m filled with wonder,
suffocating in all fear.
Drowning still without a sound,
Falling down and out of grasp
like a beggar on the ground.
Turn off the lights,
lost like you’ll never know,
ambling in wilderness,
out of touch, sunk so low...
Where are You now?
Deliver me from this land!
Bring me into your promises,
to a place my eyes can’t comprehend.
12 days turned into 40 years,
to those who’ve already passed,
Hungry for manna, dying to live,
death too long did last.
Don’t hold me back.
Don’t keep me away
from the promises,
just show the way.
The promised land is almost there,
they’ll be falling to their knees,
Deliverance from slavery,
burning bush and parting seas...
Set my people free.

fighting

Fighting this sickness
cure---there is none.
Fighting disease
the battle’s not won
I’m fighting to live
fighting to breathe
fighting in all I do.
I’m fighting for peace
fighting for souls
fighting for you.

And I can’t deal with this pain inside.
I won’t put up with death
purge swallowed lies...
of
suicide.

Immunity to drugs
doesn’t help stop the sickness
It makes me numb inside
mixed mumbled mess.
Up the dosage,
kick up the high.
Press into extreme
without asking why
Looking around
scanning the crowd
Closing my eyes
the music’s too loud
Distracted from real
forgetting to feel.
Asking for help
easier said than done
If I hold it in
two will be one.
I’m fighting to see
fighting to swim
fighting to break through.
I’m fighting for life
fighting for me
fighting for you.
And I can’t deal with this pain inside.
I won’t put up with death

PURGE swallowed lies of suicide.

Hands

Hands Not Our Own
written in 2003... sometime
Tired hands are hidden eyes
scarlet cuts are desperate cries.
Idol beads: fleeting escape.
Praising grasp: Suicidal rape.
The clutch is tight to foreign Gods
and eyes cannot see,
For blindness rather than
salvation sets free.
It’s complacency.
Worship is done with the hands
not with the heart
the crimes and work committed
are what set apart.
It’s superficiality.
Dear, child, do you not know?
Your hand are not your own!
Praising angels high
or fiery grip unknown.
The eye of the beholder
is not one seen but felt.
Conviction and condemnation
are cards often dealt.
It’s spiritual warfare.
Who’s holding your hand?
Are veins chilled by an icy hold of fire?
Who is holding your hand?
Are you ashamed of your lustful desire?
Is love a world away,
are you alone each day?
Are you broken, do you cry?
While you pray?
It’s control.
or are you like me...
the mystery of clockwork spinning
is only a blur.
the sickness deep within is
without a cure
Seeking the hand of the Lord
you come up empty.
Can’t see the face of the one
You’re in covenant with.
Distant.
It’s a lie.
We’re listening to the wrong voice!
We’re led astray!
Complacent one, are you fighting for peace?
Controlled by perverse hands
you’ve swallowed the lie.
Futile works of hands
dig your grave.