feeling

So... I've never felt so much in my life before. I've always struggled with numbness. Now I'm feeling such a torrent of emotions that I feel like I'm about to get knocked down... or I'm already knocked down with sand in my mouth... and then another wave comes and it just keeps hitting me... and hitting me... so hard that I don't know how I'll ever get up. My body can't stop shaking and I can physically feel my heart constantly quivering. It's actually hard to breathe because my heart feels sore and over-used. I always thought it was so lame and cliche that people talked about their heart as the thing that allows them to "feel." I tried to think of it as a muscular organ that pumped blood.. I can't do that anymore, because for the first time in a long time I feel my heart... and it hurts. It feels like the wind is knocked out of it and it can't supply my body with the proper quota of blood. I've never loved so much and so openly and felt so unloved... and at the same time I've never felt so cold and uncompassionate and undeservingly loved at once. and it's hard for me to understand what reality is anymore and im wondering if my whole world is just made up. tonight i couldn't stop thinking, "how did I get here anyway?" Yes, exactly those words over and over again,
"How did I get here anyway?"
And the answer is GRACE and MERCY. But how? I don't understand. I feel like I was swept out of a nest of deceit and death and now I'm awake in another tree. I read Psalm 55 today and I felt like David.. oh that i could be a dove and fly away... i could be in the wilderness.. get away. run away. from everything. then i read psalm 139 and read... where can i go from your Spirit? how can I flee your presence? Oh that I could mount up on the wings of morning and FLY AWAY... but God is in heaven, in hell and on earth. I can't get away from this present reality and there's no use trying. I feel like a small child in a ball, crying without parents to pick me up. But God is my Father and I'm waiting for the time when He sweeps me out of the nest... it says later in Psalm 139 that "when I awake I am still with you" (or something close) and now I see... I've been sleeping a little and now I awake in a totally different place... and the atmosphere is way different, but He's still with me. So, "How did I get here anyway?" who else can say that they were swept up from the nest of death and brought into rich fulfillment? the fire hurts right now... in every melting and broken part of my being but it's okay. it's okay. i know it... now i just need to believe it.