ice cream.

so... life is weird. i cannot comprehend how mere flesh can feel so much and be capable of love and hatred. how the heck did God create these incredible beings who have relationships and function and build character and reproduce more "little Christs." It's so strange to think about change.... more specifically changing yourself.... and more correctly.... letting yourself be changed by God. How can I become different if I dont even understand how i got to be how i am now? you know, it doesnt really matter all that much... but it confuses me. i know there are things like daggers in me that are way past the skin and now they pierce the heart... and seeds pushed deep into fertile ground... and roots that are tight and strong and seemingly unmovable.. they consume my insides and the roots wrap so tight around my heart that i fear if i pull the weeds my heart and my entire being will be pulled out too. and who i am without... and who am i without... and is it really possible for my whole identity to be deemed by circumstance and relationship? and what if it just goes on? and what if it doesnt change? what if i wont let it? and what if im a lot more selfish than i ever even imagined that i could be? my will will never supercede the will of God. and if God is always bigger and I'm always smaller, why do I play God in my own life? i dont know... but it needs to stop. yesterday: comfort food (jerseymaid Cookies and Cream for only $3.00 to be exact) long intimate talk. prayer. the Word. some serious soul searching contemplation. nicole. =) mercy road and tears and 2am.... and needing so much Today: more comfort food (jersey maid Cookies and Cream once again... btw NICOLE ice cream is not water. not good breakfast food for us. i blame her. more talk. i am the official beneficiary of Anthony Thomas Bell's bank account $29 book purchase at berean.... some crazy titled reads Dessert at the OG (Olive Garden) with Mister Bell and a wonderful server... i should have caught her name, but she has black HOT hair, she's hawaiian, she's gonna be a second year intern I won the cherry stem tying. it was short too. i wanted to keep my knot. i almost got two short ones together with my tongue, but i settled for just one. The wonderful awesome amazing life-changing House of God, House of Prayer, City Church and here i am. and so what am i doing? what happens in my life from here? i need to hear from God but people seldom give out advice to people who don't listen... how much more intense is GOD? and if you knew what i wanted you would agree with Him. and who's with me now? and who's on my side now? and the LORD is the only one who will never leave me nor forsake me, and i LOVE it and i LOVE Him.... but it hurts to think that there's no one else. and have you ever do badly just wanted to give your EVERYTHING to someone and you DO and it hurts because they're not God.... and then have you ever wanted to give your EVERYTHING to someone again and you do and it hurts because they're not GOD...... and then have you ever wanted to give your EVERYTHING to someone again and you try and there's nothing left? and then have you ever wanted it all to be erased... so you come to God and tell him you're ready to go all in.... and there's nothing left. it's so gone. AND if your name is Nicole Corpuz... i say "HIS love is better than icecream . . ."