overcoming

i WILL overcome this.
i WILL overcome this.
i WILL overcome this.
even though it hurts.

so, i feel like i just had an oak tree uprooted from my heart. a word for wisdom-seekers... be careful what seeds you plant. be careful what seeds you water... and the longer seeds are in the soil, the stronger the roots are... pulled roots leave strong scars on the surface of your heart... strong roots pulled out leave deep scars on the depths of your heart.

i love god.

new day

today is a new day. yesterday was a hard day, and today is a new day. perhaps the second most important day of my life, and by far the hardest day of my life. weird to think about. i feel like i'm being saved all over again... without the giddiness and joy. all i know is that in HIS presence is the FULLNESS of JOY... so i don't plan on leaving His presence for a moment.
and so now the tangible definition of love is changing.
changing, yes... but i know i can't stop loving, and i might not even be able to stop feeling, but I CAN stop living by feelings. I am the most blessed person in the WHOLE world as far as I know... because I can hardly imagine being more blessed. YOU make my world blessed, thank you.
HE will never walk away.
This is the beginning of a very different year,
a very different life
and a very different destiny for me.

pondering

life is getting more and more... different by the day. things are changing. during transitional stages i can never decipher which changes are good and which are bad... or more correctly, which things i personally would like to see changed and which changes i dread... there are many things that if left unaltered would be fine. and i would be satisfied.... but for some amazing, miraculous, undiscerned reason satisfaction is never enough for an abundant God. in all of the blurriness of transition im praying for clarity and answers to questions that if not answered soon may be left unaddressed... maybe switchfoot puts it best...

If you're a rose then I'm the thorn that's in your side...

did i get shot or shoot myself?

don't be there.
you'll be around and I'll be square.

in the words of Charlotte herself... it hurts to be square, but i must.
i need him

if there was someone who could see

read for real.

Unknown

Baby boy I know right now it stings
In the pit of your stomach
And surface of your eyes
On the tip of your tongue
On the tingling of your ears
On the redness of your lips
And on your jutting shoulder joint.
It hurts to know.
To see.
To hear.
To touch.
But more than that it hurts
To be seen and heard and touched
It hurts to be known in the silence of another
You can’t see and you can’t hear and I don’t think you know
I know.
I really know.
And that must hurt most of all…
To know so deep inside of yourself
To let the blackness and iciness in your heart
Simply remain,
Until it consumes
But more than it hurts to be seen and touched
And more than it hurts to be known in the silence of another
It hurts to be

Unknown

In a world of faces you think you know.
The deepest depths of their eyes sting your unmatchable surface
Their words reach the tingling outer brim of your ears
And caress the frame of your lips
And they see the words you’ve painted
Do Not Enter
And the words and glances and shallow embraces die off like laggers in a race
But I’m still running Baby Boy.
I won’t stop.
Ever.
Ever
Yes, forever I will run for you.
And most of all it hurts to be unknown
But I know.
And most of all it hurts to be unloved,
But I love you.
So, stop hurting


Mascara

Let it run in streaks of black
With rainbow ambience
Let it clutter corner eyes
With trashy clumps
Let it fall like a jumper
With vengeance to die
Let it run in streaks of black
In streaks of charcoal
In streaks of gray
In streaks so pure

Let it disappear.
Let it all be gone forever
Let me love you
Let me love you
Let it run in streaks of black
Here’s your Father’s cry
Let me love you.
Little boy, it’s okay to be little sometimes.

And

And so how well do you know?
I don’t even offer a chance.
I’m still hiding.
Do you even see?
Inside me
Something’s happening
I see it in you too
Something happening
It stirs within
And magnetizes your pupils
And they fall into your soul
And I’m yanked,
With a chain on my neck into your being through the pupils of your eyes
It’s hard for me to look at you,
But I’m already in.
And it’s hard cuz I wonder have you been pulled too?
Do you dwell in my soul
Past iris and coal
Me in you
And you in me
Im frightened
And it scares me to feel.
Don’t look at me.
Please.

iron eyes

I Wish Only

Belligerent passion
unyielding heat
In your face intimacy
Crushes my ribs in unyielding embrace
And I wish only
Holding hands with fingers laced
Talking eyes
Not afraid to lay in close arms
Corners darkness brought to light unashamed
And I wish only
A ringing name
Its coming first
A smile that smiles just for me
A piece of me inside of you
And I only wish
A puzzle in a distant fit
To make a blurry word
And maybe just a song or two
They could be ours
And I only wish
Perhaps a goodnight
Perchance a good morning
And something in between
It doesn’t even have to be forever
And I only wish
Some shallow words
But steady no doubt
Faithful complacency
Iron eyes with invisible mirrors
And I only wish
Hiding here in faces light
yet bruised by carelessness
weaving through a wind of words
and mumblings not discerned
and I only wish
now pity me
despise my face
repulse at my palm’s touch
shrivel back at my smile
or my face at that
invisibility beats disgust
thin air is beautiful to ugliness
and I only wish
I didn’t know.

what does it mean to you? what do you only wish?

compassion fails me in the heat of selfishness. I feel it hot and sticky hanging over me. It looms and suffocates. Every bronchiole screams. Sweaty water fogs it all.
I cant see...
And neither can he
Humidity. So, I'm realizing that GOD is the only one who knows real reality... but I now know that there is such a thing as MULTIPLE realities that cannot merge... without destruction. I see things one way.. through the eyes of hope. I get so caught up IN THE SPIRIT. I see people in the spirit. I see the seeds of greatness inside of them and forget that that greatness is not yet manifested in their character and actions. I love people so much. It hurts to love imperfection. It baffles me how GOD, the perfect GOD of the universe love imperfect people PERFECTLY... how? How can love for anything less than perfect be called perfect love? And I know it's all because of the LOVER. I cannot love perfectly, though I try. And now I await the day when my spiritual reality becomes my natural reality and perfect love is attainable.